1. Wash your hair with Comet.

2. Lick your shoes spotless.

3. Give yourself a pedicure using sandpaper and hot wax.

4.Pee in the kitchen sink. Don't rinse immediately.

5. Stomp a five-pound bag of pistachio shells into a fine, richly scented powder, and try to offer it to your co-worker as "exotic Jamboni dust." Wait for their reaction.

6. Ask your neighbor for a cup of something different each day for the next week, then repay them with coupons you've cut out from the paper.

7. Buy socks and underpants from the Salvation Army.

9. Tell your boss she/he's getting fat, even if it isn't true.

10. Go to a bar, get drunk, go home with a stranger, have sex with them. Wake up the next day in their bed, scream frantically, "But you're not a dolphin! You're a person!" and promptly run out the door.

11. Set up a stand outside your house or apartment building. Try to sell mustard-and-ketchup sandwiches for $1 and see how that goes.

12. Visit your local public library and stubbornly masturbate in a quiet aisle until you hear someone approaching.

13. Attempt to catch a squirrel by running around your front yard with a plastic bag.

14. When you jog, wear a maxipad on your forehead to catch errant droplets of sweat.

15. Take a meat bath: Drop two frozen beef patties in your bathwater and emerge feeling soft and burgery.