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2002-11-23 - 1:38 a.m.

Taco Addiction

I am addicted to taco. For all the federal agents reading this (Hi Attorney Ashcroft ... hope you enjoyed your short stay in Austin this weekend), "taco" is new street slang for "taco," a cheap and highly addictive drug made from any combination of foods and served in a flat flour or corn shell. Often trafficked into "white" neighborhoods from los barrios and cocinas mexicanas, they're available everywhere, somtimes for as little as 85 cents! I can't stop eating them -- they are controlling my life! Yesterday I traded in a stereo system for 5,000 tortillas and a barrel of refried beans! Our streets are being taken over by taco dealers (tacocorridos) who are causing an insane amount of salsa-shed and violent chewing! Please help us protect our families and end this taco terrorism today, before all the pizza joints close and our communities are reduced to rubble and Taqueria Arandas outlets. Thanks.

Ahem. Five tacos: salmon and cabbage, potatoes and egg, beans and egg, chicken, and another potato and egg. Corn tortillas, flour tortillas, lettuce, no lettuce, tomatoes, tomatillo, cold, hot. Tacos. And chips. Okay, I'm not addicted to chips, but easily could be -- once I start eating them it's impossible to stop ... that is, until the TACOS arrive! "Chips" are definitely another highly addictive drug. They are contributing to obesity in minors! By repeating the "pick, dip, crunch" sequence, people become hypnotized while eating chips and salsa and susceptible to partaking in criminal behavior, such as obscenity and greed. Abolish chips fast! Prosecute the corn pushers! Nab that Tostito cartel and make our streets safe for the children!

Okay, I'm not sure what has gotten into me. Maybe I'm all loopy from eating so many eggs, which are probably raising my cholesterol expontentially at this very second and clogging up the blood vessels in my cranial region. Even if eating so many eggs eventually makes me go brain-dead, my father will be happy if I tell him how many eggs I've eaten today; he's become a sort of volunteer spokesman for the Egg Council of America (if such a thing exists ... or is it called the Ovum Society?) and every time I talk to him he asks if I'm eating eggs three times a week. He's never been so fixated on a health tip as with this egg one. It's pretty weird. I haven't told him about my taco problem, however -- just not ready yet. Meantime, I'm trying to seek treatment by going to the Thai restaurant up the street and other non-Mex places for lunch, but it's not working. I go for a while without taco but sooner or later I end up running to the Chango's or Wheatsville counter for a bean-and-potato or potato-and-egg and then it's back to square one.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. � Lily Tomlin

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