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NEW: Interviews
Trevor Ngwane

War News
Peter Arnett Apologizes for Thinking for Himself
Protesters Discuss "Shock and Awe" Fast for Peace
Pro-Death Rally

NewThought
Survey: Who's Reading This Site?
On Prisons
Embedded at City Hall: Some Outdated Satire (Recently Rejected by Eyeshot!)
How to Keep It Real: 15 Steps
A COUNTRY SONG About Steak and Jesus
BlogEditor (on Uber.nu)

New Stories

Coffee Shop 2001
Heroin Withdrawal, with Drawl
"Fuck You, Bitch."
Henry Cisneros & Topless Revelers
Men in Bhindis
Corporations, Cursing, & Hairy Legs
Bums Not Bombs


Old Thought
Wavy Gravy, Sheila Jackson Lee, Supergrass, and the Invasion
SxSW Crankiness
Game: Who's This Man?
Fun Birthday Questionaire
For Lonely Cyclists
Even More Little Thoughts
More Little Thoughts Lots of Little Thoughts
I'm Back, Like Arnold
Spanish Pith
Shizzolated Drivizzle
Fun at the Doctor's
Noodelicious
In Sickness
News of the Feared
Mr. Bill & Mr. Bill, etc.
Stuffmas
Suicide or Accident?
The F Word
WTC II: Super-Phallic Nightmares
W. Ho
Vikend
Gallagher, Greyhound, & Bikers LLP
Vice Be Gone
Holiday Gift Guide
No-Fly Zone
Love Those Freedoms
Vibrators = Sin
What the Hell? (11/21/02)
Partnership for a Taco-Free America

Old Stories
The Time I Pissed off the Military
Sewing, in Three Parts
Looking for Uncle John
Johnny Guilty
Johnny Part II
Maintenance
Sad Hallway


Guest Corner
Der Voron
Ralph Aquinas

Curses/Verses
Three Bright Mice
Hey Washing Machine
Spam Poem
Send This to McSweeney's

Elsewhere
My S26 Experience: Prague
My A16 Experience
Alternet: Jim Hightower's Rolling Thunder
The Poem That Paid My Rent for Four Months
From My Philly Protest Days: this and this

2003-03-14 - 1:40 a.m.

Who's This Man? Answer

The answer is g. Mark Evans, former member of AC/DC.

My Birthday Questionaire

One of the guys at work always sends out questionaires for people to answer on their birthdays. He then distributes the answers to our co-workers. Because I'm extremely busy with SXSW stuff and work, I've posted mine (birthday was March 8) as filler until I have more time to write something new and tremendofabulous:

Have you cried this year? Why or why not?

Every day at 4pm, I light a few votive candles and cry for the love of Benji.

Name your guiltiest, most lurid pleasure.

Synchronized swimming competitions and Diet Fanta.

Did your friends ever get you in trouble when you were younger?

I didn't have any friends until fall of 1993.

What things do you find yourself doing now that you said you'd "never" do.

Living without a television, having friends, enjoying country music (in limited amounts), residing in Texas, riding bikes, enjoying nature, running without hyperventilating, enjoying sushi and the color yellow (in limited amounts).

What is your favorite slang expression?

"Jiminy Ricketts"

There's a secret you. The one who likes embarrassing pop songs. The one who finds certain celebrities oddly attractive. What does the secret you do on Friday night?

It's no secret: Most Friday nights I stay at home and post ridiculous anecdotes to my web site. At least 70 people around the world know this fact as well.

What was the subject of your most brilliant term paper?

"The Horsefly: A Study in Symmetry"

How old were you when you went on your first date? Where did you go?

16, to a Denny's-type restaurant called Eat n' Park. Probably ate pie.

Did you have a nickname when you were younger?

"Mick Jagger." It's because my mouth was very big for my face, or so the mean kids on the bus always said. Kids also liked to call me "Lauri Asshole." If you hold your tongue and say the word "Apple," it comes out "Asshole."

Some people say you can judge the quality of a person's life by the enemies they make. Who are some of your enemies?

People who abuse power, and Dave Eggers.

Tell us about your evil twin.

She makes frat boys feel like men. She thinks being smart is weird. She doesn't know the name of her Congressional Representative, nor does she care to. She flashes her breasts for beads. And she does apple pie shots with strangers.

Who were your sports and comic book heroes and why?

The Pink Panther. I liked the idea of talking pink cats that sold fiberglass.

If God offered to be your co-pilot, where would you go?

What does this question mean? If it means, "where would you like to be if you could?," either geographically or life-wise, then I would say, "in the band Radiohead," as the sixth member/tambourine player. God and I could switch off.

Name three things you shouldn't have eaten.

That chunk of pork rind at Austin City Council Member Raul Alvarez's most recent fundraiser; all of the creatures that have gone to my gullet; the pho at that place on the Drag (not a clean place).

If you are a superhero, what is your power?

To transform the collective members of "The Man" into comfortable futons that I would then sell to college students for profit.

You have a scar/tattoo/birthmark some of us never see. Why?

Because I'm not a nudist but a prudist.

As you have gotten older, in what ways have you changed that would have horrified you when you were younger?

Well, when I was a kid I was very God-fearing. So my current God-doubting would really have freaked me out.

You're skydiving. You pull the ripcord. The only thing that comes out of the pack is an acid-washed t-shirt that says, "relax." What's your next move?

Fall down and die, I guess.

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. � Lily Tomlin

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