2002-11-26 - 5:36 p.m.
Gift ideas
Santa Claus will be visiting soon. If he does not get shot down by U.S. agents while trying to traverse the Crawford ranch no-fly zone, he will be bringing you and your families nice gifts. But Santa can't deliver all presents, or else the U.S. economy would suffer. That's where you come along, to raise consumer confidence and keep those cash register angels a-kachinging.
It's Time to answer the $64,000 Christmas question: What to get Mr. And Mrs. Haveitall? Making things harder this year is that you're Probably caught in the recessionary whirlpool, and will have to resort to giving home-made gifts or just very small ones that don't sparkle. Cheap gift ideas that might help:
* red, white, and blue chastity belt storage bag
* salt-dough tree ornaments molded into the shapes of top Bush cabinet members
* framed copy of the USA PATRIOT Act
* Bible in which all names of characters have been replaced by corporate logos
* Can of air freshener to mask stench caused by worsening exhaust fumes, increased smokestack output, and other results of recent clean air act gutting (we recommend a pleasant pine scent to commemorate logged forests)
* condoleeza rice-a-roni 12-pack
* "Pin the dick on the cheney" Party game
* John Ashcroft patriotic songbook
* Personalized magnifying glass to help read fine print regarding elusive personal rights
* Used copy of Al and Tipper Gore's Joined at the heart: The Transformation of the American Family
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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. � Lily Tomlin |
