2002-12-12 - 12:20 a.m.
Vice Be Gone
It's been a while since my last entry. Been going to too many political parties lately. Now I am coming down from this latest spree of fun and getting ready for more parties, but with a twist: I quit smoking today, so there won't be any more of that. And I'm limiting myself to just two beers a sitting, and if I go over that I have to pay all witnesses $100 on the spot. That's a good incentive not to drink too much, as has become my habit.
Good decisions, but all the same I feel very down about myself, like I'm going nowhere creatively. Tonight I saw a duo at a bar called Donn's Depot and they performed one of the songs that Jeff Buckley sings, an Edith Piaf song. I've sung that a zillion times in my apartment, but never in public because there's no band and no gig and no confidence. I lack the will to do so many things, because I think "who cares?" It's been something I've felt for years. And no matter what people tell me, I have a hard time thinking otherwise. It's very problematic, it keeps me from doing things that I should and could. A lifelong struggle.
In other news
My across-the-hall neighbor died of a heroin overdose a few weeks ago, according to The Maintenance Guy. This has freaked me out and saddened me and made me think all sorts of thoughts, such as "don't take life for granted" and "you never know who your neighbors are" and "how could people be shooting up smack just a few feet away?" The world is a very screwy place.
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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. � Lily Tomlin |
