I now have a wartime section. Look to the left. Sure, it's a bit late to begin a war section, but I'm slow.

NEWS BULLETIN #2(!!!!): Peter Arnett Fired, Apologizes for Thinking

"If Pete's going to appear on Iraqi television to speculate that other Bush administration officials and I are not as infallible as the Pope, then he's got to be punished," said Viacom-NBC Chief Executive Dick Cheney from his concrete bunker 300 feet below the earth's surface. "He's apparently forgotten that in today's America, you just don't go around stepping out of line with your opinions like that."

According to the Associated Press Beobachter, "Arnett told Iraqi television that American war planners had underestimated the determination of Iraqi troops to fight U.S. and British troops and that the Pentagon seemed to be amending its original strategy.

"Now America is reappraising the battlefield, delaying the war, maybe a week and rewriting the war plan," Arnett said. "The first plan has failed because of Iraqi resistance. Now they are trying to write another plan." Challenges to President Bush about the conduct of the war and also anti-war sentiments were "growing," he added.

White House Minister of Propaganda Ari Fleischer cooly dismissed Arnett's analysis. "I think the explosions in the sky have hypnotized our friend Peter to the point where he can no longer distinguish reality from fiction," said Fleischer. "And as for opposition to the war � I mean, yeah, we've got hippies and nuns tying up traffic with their die-ins and protests, but most of America doesn't even know where Iraq is, and they'd rather eat entire bucketfuls of cold KFC mashed potatoes than try to find out."

As for Arnett, the beleaguered journalist says he's learned a lesson. "Embarrassed" by his current predicament, he says, "I'll never speak my mind honestly again ... at least nowhere where my holy, all-powerful overlords can hear me. It might be difficult, of course, given that the Two Johns, Ashcroft and Poindexter, are turning the country into one big wire-tapped prison complex. But I embrace the challenge."

Arnett also plans on joining the Dixie Chicks, the country trio that recently angered Administration officials and thousands of American imperialists by bluntly opinionating against Bush. "We're considering changing our name to 'Pete & the Chicks,' and just leaving that Dixie part out," said offending Chick Natalie Maines. "We don't really feel too Dixie anymore."