Being home instead of running around Spanish cities has obviously affected my 7-day Week in Review section. No paella, no adventure, just the same flatline-to-cloudy existence I've lived since coming to Austin last August (my job, which is pretty interesting and rewarding, does not count as "flatline" ... only the post-work, personal/down time part). Sure, there's always the day's casual conversation or two about how insane the rest of the state is compared to relatively laid-back Austin and its token liberalism. But I'm tired of the insanity and of complaining about it. So are most of the people I know � we all just want the madness to stop. But it goes on and on ... and we're so obviously in the minority, and there's so little money devoted to social needs, that there really is very little people can do to fix things. Sometimes it seems like being anywhere left of Kay Bailey Hutchison is indulging in sadomasochism. The tough kind, involving pliers and electric currents.

Today's Hell Topic involved the state Supreme Court's recent decision to grant the state the right to deny abortions to low-income women with health problems that might be exacerbated by a pregnancy. Many states nationwide grudgingly fund abortions to Medicaid recipients undergoing treatment for cancer, diabetes, and other serious illnesses, but not this one. About this matter, I talked to the ED of an organization that tries to help teenagers obtain abortions lawfully; when I called she was trying to get a ride for a teenager in Dallas who has an appointment with the doctor Saturday morning. Like me, she is not from Texas and feels like an alien. Unlike me, she doesn't get to stay in Austin but has to travel the state, talking to women who live in towns and cities hundreds of miles away from the closest clinic. Her work is very difficult, you can imagine ...

Recently I've tried to involve myself in some form of volunteerism, to become more effective in at least opposing current reproductive health policies and court decisions like the one mentioned above. But for some reason it hasn't worked out. Many groups' funding is in jeopardy, the legislative session coming up will be harder on them than a chemical peel performed with battery acid and sandpaper, and people are generally feeling hopeless about maintaining what little access to reproductive health exists. Sure, they've held workshops on lobbying and appear in public with modest smiles, but they aren't stupid. They're just trying not to give up the fight before it begins. You've got to admire that.

My biggest fear is becoming a windbag who makes people cringe. Often I check back on past entries in this web site and go over the language, looking for mistakes, awkward words, hastily made assumptions, conclusions, and generalizations � signs of bad writing. I wonder what the entries offer people, if they are just fluff or what, or not interesting ... so many doubts. In "blog" writing, there are no consistent critics or editors, and you can easily become so navel-gazing that your navel wants to buy curtains and pull them over itself to hide from your stare.

The reason I developed this web site is because for my entire life I've felt disconnected from many people, like no one really knows who I am because I've always been this loner who does everything by myself. Naturally it gets pretty lonely after a while. Sometimes I look at other people who have steady friends and relationships and think that maybe I was just meant to follow a different path. I have a few great friends, and many wonderful acquaintances and half-friends but most of them I see maybe once a month or so at political fundraisers and parties. Not exactly close. It's always been that way but now that I'm older having a community and roots and creative partners has become very important and all the consistent unfinishing of projects, thoughts, etc. has become old.